Lately I've been thinking a lot about change. It seems to have come as a rude awakening this twenty-fourth year of my life. Though I'm sure it has been creeping up on me and I just haven't noticed. You remember me posting several months ago about change? I posted a picture of the word "change" for "this is... what scares me." And it really does scare me. I tend to forget about it when things seem to be going well and I'm content, but just as I am starting to feel the pangs of change, I kinda freak out. But then it's not as if I really hate change. All along what I really want is a big change to happen, I just don't want to experience it. I want to keep going my merry way and all of a sudden find myself in a comfortable spot; a different spot than where I'm at now. If that makes any sense whatsoever!
Here I am at a point in my life once again where I think... "what do I want? what I really really want?" (No, please don't sing that song...) So many options before me, but it takes ME to do anything about it. I'm the one who ultimately has to live with my decisions. Whether or not someone else tells me what to do. I live in a world where a lot of people like to give their advice. Not that it's always a bad thing, just that I think it makes it more difficult for a person to make any sort of decision and feel good about it, because they will always worry it isn't right. I think that is where I'm at right now.
So we are back to change. I have this weird feeling that more change is about to come, but it's up to me to make that happen. I can't just sit around all the time, waiting for it to come to me. As much as I hate to take that step, I think it is about time. I see people around me taking those steps all the time, but I've always been that timid little girl who is so afraid she will fall and scrape her knee, that she stays in the safe-zone because of fear. As far as I see it, fear is what keeps change and growth from happening. I think there is a point in your life where you find it's time to trust that maybe you can go out and ride that bike without scraping your knee. And if you do get scraped up, trusting that you can get back up again and keep going. Because isn't that what life is? Going out there, making mistakes, picking yourself back up again, learning, growing, understanding? The list goes on. I know it's terribly cliché, but there is a point to "trusting yourself." Confidence can be hard to find, though very easy to talk about. I can tell my friends over and over again to go out there and be confident in themselves, all the while I myself am shrinking in some corner. It's so easy to sit on your buns and think everything will come to you and fall perfectly in place; but it doesn't always work like that. If you ever want anything to happen, I think it's up to you. And sometimes it's better to fall flat on your face than not to have experienced it at all. So when you pick yourself up again, you can see that hey, it isn't so bad. Or maybe it is so bad! But how can you know unless you take that chance?
I thought this quote by Andy Warhol was fitting. :)
"They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."